Jean Claude Van Dam, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween.
t They go into a costume store and look for masks.

Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as
Beethoven."

Sylvester Stallone sees a costume that grabs his attention and says,________ "I'll be Mozart."

Arnold had a tough time finding the right costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

 

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees
him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!” He's tempted, but the price is a
little high so he calls back, “Five!” She's disgusted and turns away
while Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts. Bill answers her, “Five!” . . . No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the
seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes
Bill and Hillary together and yells, “See what you get for five dollars!”



 

 

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and an extra one thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars, following him.

Rats by the hundreds are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the
bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just hundreds but thousands, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah sir,
you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a politician!”

 

 

__The Donald and Hillary go in to a bakery on the campaign trail.

__As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries
__and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "see how
__clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even
__need to lie." I will definitely win the election.

__The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you
__have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
__I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

__Trump goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a
__pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

__Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump
__eats it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another
__one. Donald eats it, and asks for a third pastry. He eats that
__one too.

__The owner is starting to wonder what the magic trick is and
__asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

__Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket" . . .

I chose the road less traveled . . . now where the hell am I?

 

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

 

"Some asses are more conducive to kicking than others."

 

Many years ago at the Montreal Forum:

At the end of the game between Canadiens & Red Wings, the color
commentator (CC) asked Rocket Richard (R), who was out with an injury, to name the three stars of the game.

CC: Well, Rocket, quite a fast game tonight.

R: Dats for shore!

CC: So who’s your first star?

R: Well, for my first star, I ‘ave to pick Jean Beliveau. He score two goal
and ‘ad one assist.

CC: And your second star?

R: For my second star I ‘ave to pick my broder Ohnree. He score one goal. He skate good boat ways. He was all over the hice.

CC: and your third star?

R: Well, for my turd star I ‘ave to pick Boom Boom Geoffrion.
He skate. He shoot de puck. And he ‘ad two assist.

CC: Well, Rocket, if you had an honorable mention, who would it be.

R: I ‘ave to say Gordie ‘Owe. If it wasn't for his four goals, we would have won the game.


 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."

Yes, That's him, there in Aisle 5.


 

_________

Dating in 1958

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this . . .

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Henry
had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Henry in.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach . . ."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Is that so?" asked Henry, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Henry said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into
the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The TWIST, Mom ,
The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE
IS CALLED THE TWIST!"



 

True story . . .

__

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and
eight buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very
pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars ($1.40) and five for
buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming seven days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name.

 

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because
the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every
moment of life. As a bagpiper, I’ve played many gigs. Recently
I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper's cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the country community, I got my cabbie lost and, being typical men, we didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived a half hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless
man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my cab. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my cab, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, we’re still lost . . . it's a man thing.


 

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.


 

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ray."

Ray was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Please send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "Sooooo, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ray the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside . . . like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ray.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no __ big deal." He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, ___ out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.


As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard . . .

"Ray, wake up! You pooped in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be so beware.


 

 

What deep things retired men think about.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.


 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. ___ The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says to him,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT?' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

DUNNO! I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

 

Things that end with "tor"

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" and that also ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."

"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mother has one and she says it eats fricking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"