The interviewer greets the next applicant for the job of night watchman. His first question is: "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?"

The applicant replies, "The slightest noise wakes me up."

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, 'Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it.'

She turns to him with a smirk and says, 'You want ketchup on that?'

The salesman says, 'Why do you ask?'

She says, 'We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.'

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, “Fine, what kind of shop do you have?”

The guy says, “A menswear shop.”

The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign.

“Menswear,” says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he want “Menswear” on his sign too.

The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same.

“No problem,” says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies:_

 

 

A man goes visits a psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex."

The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First, the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.

The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!"

Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps and says, "One man having sex."

Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which the patient identifies as "two woman and one man having sex."

The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."

The man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
_

 

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. II told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good God are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office._When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, I heard the boss ask her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

__

 

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

 

Many years ago at the Montreal Forum:

At the end of the game between Canadiens & Red Wings, the color commentator (CC) asked Rocket Richard (R), who was out with an injury, to name the three stars of the game.

CC: Well, Rocket, quite a fast game tonight.

R: Dats for shore!

CC: So who’s your first star?

R: Well, for my first star, I ‘ave to pick Jean Beliveau. He score two goal and ‘ad one assist.

CC: And your second star?

R: For my second star I ‘ave to pick my broder Ohnree. He score one goal. He skate good boat ways. He was all over the hice.

CC: and your third star?

R: Well, for my turd star I ‘ave to pick Boom Boom Geoffrion.
He skate. He shoot de puck. And he ‘ad two assist.

CC: Well, Rocket, if you had an honorable mention, who would it be.

R: I ‘ave to say Gordie ‘Owe. If it wasn't for his four goals, we would have won the game.

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife. They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."

Yes, That's him, there in Aisle 5.

 

True story . . .

__

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and eight buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars ($1.40) and five for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day - for 25 years. Assuming seven days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name.

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.

She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

 

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

_

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Damn, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says to him, Psssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT?' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

DUNNO! I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

 

Things that end with "tor"

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" and that also ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."

"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mother has one and she says it eats fricking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"